Recently I learned that two of my four children will be leaving on 11/2 and 2 year missions for our church. On face value this seems like such a positive thing in our family. I am proud of their choice to sacrifice a large part of their life to spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am proud of their selflessness and dedication. So in many respects this is an exciting time, but I have found myself filled with the emotions of loss and sadness.

When all the kids were little, there was a time when I loved everyone being on my bed at night. I loved watching t.v. or reading and having everyone so close together. As time went on the kids started going on sleepovers and dates and campouts. I would find myself feeling like something was missing and unsettled. I was most secure when everyone was home. I guess insecure is what I am feeling and I don't like it.

I guess this is a natural transition for parents. At some point kids need to gain independence and find a life of their own, but no one told me it would be this painful. There are two parts to parenting. The first is the responsiblity of raising respectable, responsible kids. This involves countless reminders to do your homework, make your bed, wipe your feet, remember to say thank you, quit being mean to your brother, and on and on and on. That is the work part of the job. It is not enjoyable all the time, it can be frustrating, tiring and mundane. In that respect I know that many times I have thought that I can't wait for these kids to grow up and give me a break. I sometimes fantasize about not having to pick up after 8 people, and not have to worry about what's for dinner. But then there is this other side of parenting that is so much bigger than the work. It is having these people around you that you think are funny, and smart, and sensitive and loving and wonderful. These people, my children, are amazing individuals and when I am "off duty" I find that I would rather hang out with them and my husband than any one else. They are my friends, and I repect their ideas and value their opinions. They are versions of my husband and me but better. They are wise beyond their years and the love that I have for them even as I am writing this post is overwhelming.

It is no small endeavor to have six kids. It is tiring and hard, with never ending responsibilities but it is such a blessing to have the opportunity to associate with them. I can not imaging life changing so much. It is necessary but it is painful for a mother. Gosh I love my kids.