Over the past few days I have found myself having a hard time breathing. I am anxious and preoccupied. I am tearful and reflective. I did not think that these emotions would creep up on me as they have but here I sit with four more day to spend with my son before he leaves on a mission and I am a wreck. I feel as though someone is pulling a part of myself away that is physically painful.
Up to this point I have tried to be very positive. I mean who wouldn't be proud of a 19 year old boy that has just finished his first year of college and has decided to go serve by preaching the gospel? It is such a great thing and I am excited for him and the experiences he will have. But, on the other hand, I do not think that more that 10 days have gone by in the last 19 or so years that I have not been around him. I have taken him for granted I am afraid and now that he is going I am thinking of all the things that I love and appreciate him for. I just can not wrap my brain around the fact of not seeing him for two years!
Jake has always been active, adventurous and emotional. I have told my friends that Jake has not been my easiest child but if I had to pick one of my kids who I could drive across the country with, it would be Jake because we would have interesting conversations, he would want to go to crazy places to eat, he would help make critical decisions and we would just have a lot of fun. When Jake was a little boy he would laugh and laugh and laugh. He would dance as soon as music was turned on, he would run as fast as he could, and he would care about me when I was feeling sick or sad. I learned to love Jake immediately because he had an intensity for life, much like his dad. I also realized that he was very subborn like his mom. He wanted the last word in an argument and he wanted to be the one who was right all the time. As I look back on all the stupid things we argued about I see that I would have been better off to listen more than I preached and to encouraged more than I criticized. I think maybe I would do better with a do over but here I sit thinking that the little boy I know and love is now a man ready to enter a new phase of his life.
I am finding it hard to breathe because the time has gone by so fast. And I'm finding it hard to believe that the love I had for a little two week old baby in the middle of the night, when the spirit whispered to me that he was something special, has only multiplied over the years. He is the boy I dreamed of as a young mother, who would grow up strong and brave and true. He is a joy and gift. He is my son that I love.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I have been thinking lately that I nag too much as a mom. I try to be upbeat and positive but then I see dirty dishes left all over, dirty socks thrown in the family room, backpacks and coats flung where ever they entered the house and I freak!! So I have decided either I need to sell my house and trade for a less expensive one and hire a maid (Alice from the Brady Bunch would do fine) or have some serious strict rules that if not followed would have serious consequences. I am not asking for much. It's just that I never enjoyed cleaning before I had kids, I tolerated it when they were all little and irresponsible, and I don't mind it at all now that they are all in school but as soon as I finish it's 3:00 and I have to start all over again.
Five simple rules that, if followed, would make my life so much more enjoyable.
1. If you eat something, clean the kitchen after. Put all the food away, wipe the counter, wash your dishes and put them in the dishwasher.
2. If you wear something, hang it back up or fold it if it is clean, or throw it in the hamper if it is dirty. P.S. Dirty means it either smells bad or has dirt on it. Wrinkles do not make a garment dirty.
3. If you borrow something, but it back where you found it. Preferably cleaner or better than it was before.
4. If you sign up to do something take responibility for it. If you are on a team, know when the practices are. If you are in a class know when assignments are due. If you were given a talk to give remind yourself that you have a talk. If you need help, remind whom ever you seek the help of.
5. Put things back in their places. If you use a pillow, when you get up put it back. If you ride your bike, put it where it belongs when you are done. If you get the hose out to play in the summer, put it away when you are done.
These five rules would be heaven on earth if obeyed. There, now that I have vented I am feeling much better. I have just figured out family night for next week!
Five simple rules that, if followed, would make my life so much more enjoyable.
1. If you eat something, clean the kitchen after. Put all the food away, wipe the counter, wash your dishes and put them in the dishwasher.
2. If you wear something, hang it back up or fold it if it is clean, or throw it in the hamper if it is dirty. P.S. Dirty means it either smells bad or has dirt on it. Wrinkles do not make a garment dirty.
3. If you borrow something, but it back where you found it. Preferably cleaner or better than it was before.
4. If you sign up to do something take responibility for it. If you are on a team, know when the practices are. If you are in a class know when assignments are due. If you were given a talk to give remind yourself that you have a talk. If you need help, remind whom ever you seek the help of.
5. Put things back in their places. If you use a pillow, when you get up put it back. If you ride your bike, put it where it belongs when you are done. If you get the hose out to play in the summer, put it away when you are done.
These five rules would be heaven on earth if obeyed. There, now that I have vented I am feeling much better. I have just figured out family night for next week!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Recently I learned that two of my four children will be leaving on 11/2 and 2 year missions for our church. On face value this seems like such a positive thing in our family. I am proud of their choice to sacrifice a large part of their life to spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am proud of their selflessness and dedication. So in many respects this is an exciting time, but I have found myself filled with the emotions of loss and sadness.
When all the kids were little, there was a time when I loved everyone being on my bed at night. I loved watching t.v. or reading and having everyone so close together. As time went on the kids started going on sleepovers and dates and campouts. I would find myself feeling like something was missing and unsettled. I was most secure when everyone was home. I guess insecure is what I am feeling and I don't like it.
I guess this is a natural transition for parents. At some point kids need to gain independence and find a life of their own, but no one told me it would be this painful. There are two parts to parenting. The first is the responsiblity of raising respectable, responsible kids. This involves countless reminders to do your homework, make your bed, wipe your feet, remember to say thank you, quit being mean to your brother, and on and on and on. That is the work part of the job. It is not enjoyable all the time, it can be frustrating, tiring and mundane. In that respect I know that many times I have thought that I can't wait for these kids to grow up and give me a break. I sometimes fantasize about not having to pick up after 8 people, and not have to worry about what's for dinner. But then there is this other side of parenting that is so much bigger than the work. It is having these people around you that you think are funny, and smart, and sensitive and loving and wonderful. These people, my children, are amazing individuals and when I am "off duty" I find that I would rather hang out with them and my husband than any one else. They are my friends, and I repect their ideas and value their opinions. They are versions of my husband and me but better. They are wise beyond their years and the love that I have for them even as I am writing this post is overwhelming.
It is no small endeavor to have six kids. It is tiring and hard, with never ending responsibilities but it is such a blessing to have the opportunity to associate with them. I can not imaging life changing so much. It is necessary but it is painful for a mother. Gosh I love my kids.
When all the kids were little, there was a time when I loved everyone being on my bed at night. I loved watching t.v. or reading and having everyone so close together. As time went on the kids started going on sleepovers and dates and campouts. I would find myself feeling like something was missing and unsettled. I was most secure when everyone was home. I guess insecure is what I am feeling and I don't like it.
I guess this is a natural transition for parents. At some point kids need to gain independence and find a life of their own, but no one told me it would be this painful. There are two parts to parenting. The first is the responsiblity of raising respectable, responsible kids. This involves countless reminders to do your homework, make your bed, wipe your feet, remember to say thank you, quit being mean to your brother, and on and on and on. That is the work part of the job. It is not enjoyable all the time, it can be frustrating, tiring and mundane. In that respect I know that many times I have thought that I can't wait for these kids to grow up and give me a break. I sometimes fantasize about not having to pick up after 8 people, and not have to worry about what's for dinner. But then there is this other side of parenting that is so much bigger than the work. It is having these people around you that you think are funny, and smart, and sensitive and loving and wonderful. These people, my children, are amazing individuals and when I am "off duty" I find that I would rather hang out with them and my husband than any one else. They are my friends, and I repect their ideas and value their opinions. They are versions of my husband and me but better. They are wise beyond their years and the love that I have for them even as I am writing this post is overwhelming.
It is no small endeavor to have six kids. It is tiring and hard, with never ending responsibilities but it is such a blessing to have the opportunity to associate with them. I can not imaging life changing so much. It is necessary but it is painful for a mother. Gosh I love my kids.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Intro to Motherleelove
No one tells you what it is like to be a mom, although everyone has experience being around moms through their own childhood. I was around my mom, my friends moms, other moms at the park, in the grocery store, on the sidelines of sporting events and so on. My experience has been a good one. I must say my mom is and was one of the best. Seriously bias aside, who else would fix dinner seven nights a week, stay up until midnight hemming Hash Pants (you know the ones with the star on the pocket) for the first day of Jr. High, make posters for elections, and make me feel like I was so fortunate to be a five foot ten inch girl in the 8th grade? My mom made me feel powerful, beautiful, and secure. And so it was only natural that when I looked at my future life at age 17 or 18 I never for one second thought that becoming anything else other than a mom would bring me such satisfaction. Oh sure I had aspirations of careers before the "mom years" or during the "mom years" or after, but in my soul a mother is what I wanted to be.
When I was in college I dreamed of being an advertising executive. I finished one year before I met my husband Tom, dated during my sophomore year, was married during my Junior year and moved across the country for him to start Law School, I having completed three years in the field of Public Relations. During these first few years the idea of having a baby was magical but not practical. I was working making a small salary as a secretary at a prominent business school and we were racking up considerable debt paying for Tom's law degree. However, practicality has never been my stong suit. As soon as I had good health insurance I managed to convince Tom that one baby would not be that expensive and Law School was only three years. The summer after Tom's first year on July 20th, 1989 our first child was born. She was a whopping 9 pounds 5 ounces and 22 inches long! We named her Jordan (like the river, not the BB player) and she was beautiful!
And so I was a mother. And just like I had imagined I could think of nothing better to fill my time then entertaining her. To me, she was the most interesting, fantastic, exciting thing in the universe. I quit my job and my membership in the Secretary's Union and opted to babysit my friend's baby, just one month older than Jordan, to pay for groceries, diapers and formula.
Oh sure the first few weeks were difficult. Nursing was a nightmare and I would swear that my 10 day old had grown fangs overnight and was biting me every time she nursed, but I switched to a bottle and that worked just fine. The few week I had this "are you kidding" attitude when she would wake up every three hours all night long. I was twenty at the time and thought a good nights sleep was a God given right. But as time went on the baby slept longer and so did I.
And so this begins my story of the last twenty one years. Jordan is a grown up and in her third year of College. Five other children have been added to our family each as spectacular and precious as the first. I have come to know first hand what being a mother is and I can say without hesitation that it is what I was put on this earth to do. It is the hardest job you will ever love. It is sorrow and pain, laughter and joy. It is my life and this is my attempt to share it.
When I was in college I dreamed of being an advertising executive. I finished one year before I met my husband Tom, dated during my sophomore year, was married during my Junior year and moved across the country for him to start Law School, I having completed three years in the field of Public Relations. During these first few years the idea of having a baby was magical but not practical. I was working making a small salary as a secretary at a prominent business school and we were racking up considerable debt paying for Tom's law degree. However, practicality has never been my stong suit. As soon as I had good health insurance I managed to convince Tom that one baby would not be that expensive and Law School was only three years. The summer after Tom's first year on July 20th, 1989 our first child was born. She was a whopping 9 pounds 5 ounces and 22 inches long! We named her Jordan (like the river, not the BB player) and she was beautiful!
And so I was a mother. And just like I had imagined I could think of nothing better to fill my time then entertaining her. To me, she was the most interesting, fantastic, exciting thing in the universe. I quit my job and my membership in the Secretary's Union and opted to babysit my friend's baby, just one month older than Jordan, to pay for groceries, diapers and formula.
Oh sure the first few weeks were difficult. Nursing was a nightmare and I would swear that my 10 day old had grown fangs overnight and was biting me every time she nursed, but I switched to a bottle and that worked just fine. The few week I had this "are you kidding" attitude when she would wake up every three hours all night long. I was twenty at the time and thought a good nights sleep was a God given right. But as time went on the baby slept longer and so did I.
And so this begins my story of the last twenty one years. Jordan is a grown up and in her third year of College. Five other children have been added to our family each as spectacular and precious as the first. I have come to know first hand what being a mother is and I can say without hesitation that it is what I was put on this earth to do. It is the hardest job you will ever love. It is sorrow and pain, laughter and joy. It is my life and this is my attempt to share it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)