Recently I learned that two of my four children will be leaving on 11/2 and 2 year missions for our church. On face value this seems like such a positive thing in our family. I am proud of their choice to sacrifice a large part of their life to spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am proud of their selflessness and dedication. So in many respects this is an exciting time, but I have found myself filled with the emotions of loss and sadness.

When all the kids were little, there was a time when I loved everyone being on my bed at night. I loved watching t.v. or reading and having everyone so close together. As time went on the kids started going on sleepovers and dates and campouts. I would find myself feeling like something was missing and unsettled. I was most secure when everyone was home. I guess insecure is what I am feeling and I don't like it.

I guess this is a natural transition for parents. At some point kids need to gain independence and find a life of their own, but no one told me it would be this painful. There are two parts to parenting. The first is the responsiblity of raising respectable, responsible kids. This involves countless reminders to do your homework, make your bed, wipe your feet, remember to say thank you, quit being mean to your brother, and on and on and on. That is the work part of the job. It is not enjoyable all the time, it can be frustrating, tiring and mundane. In that respect I know that many times I have thought that I can't wait for these kids to grow up and give me a break. I sometimes fantasize about not having to pick up after 8 people, and not have to worry about what's for dinner. But then there is this other side of parenting that is so much bigger than the work. It is having these people around you that you think are funny, and smart, and sensitive and loving and wonderful. These people, my children, are amazing individuals and when I am "off duty" I find that I would rather hang out with them and my husband than any one else. They are my friends, and I repect their ideas and value their opinions. They are versions of my husband and me but better. They are wise beyond their years and the love that I have for them even as I am writing this post is overwhelming.

It is no small endeavor to have six kids. It is tiring and hard, with never ending responsibilities but it is such a blessing to have the opportunity to associate with them. I can not imaging life changing so much. It is necessary but it is painful for a mother. Gosh I love my kids.

Intro to Motherleelove

No one tells you what it is like to be a mom, although everyone has experience being around moms through their own childhood. I was around my mom, my friends moms, other moms at the park, in the grocery store, on the sidelines of sporting events and so on. My experience has been a good one. I must say my mom is and was one of the best. Seriously bias aside, who else would fix dinner seven nights a week, stay up until midnight hemming Hash Pants (you know the ones with the star on the pocket) for the first day of Jr. High, make posters for elections, and make me feel like I was so fortunate to be a five foot ten inch girl in the 8th grade? My mom made me feel powerful, beautiful, and secure. And so it was only natural that when I looked at my future life at age 17 or 18 I never for one second thought that becoming anything else other than a mom would bring me such satisfaction. Oh sure I had aspirations of careers before the "mom years" or during the "mom years" or after, but in my soul a mother is what I wanted to be.

When I was in college I dreamed of being an advertising executive. I finished one year before I met my husband Tom, dated during my sophomore year, was married during my Junior year and moved across the country for him to start Law School, I having completed three years in the field of Public Relations. During these first few years the idea of having a baby was magical but not practical. I was working making a small salary as a secretary at a prominent business school and we were racking up considerable debt paying for Tom's law degree. However, practicality has never been my stong suit. As soon as I had good health insurance I managed to convince Tom that one baby would not be that expensive and Law School was only three years. The summer after Tom's first year on July 20th, 1989 our first child was born. She was a whopping 9 pounds 5 ounces and 22 inches long! We named her Jordan (like the river, not the BB player) and she was beautiful!

And so I was a mother. And just like I had imagined I could think of nothing better to fill my time then entertaining her. To me, she was the most interesting, fantastic, exciting thing in the universe. I quit my job and my membership in the Secretary's Union and opted to babysit my friend's baby, just one month older than Jordan, to pay for groceries, diapers and formula.

Oh sure the first few weeks were difficult. Nursing was a nightmare and I would swear that my 10 day old had grown fangs overnight and was biting me every time she nursed, but I switched to a bottle and that worked just fine. The few week I had this "are you kidding" attitude when she would wake up every three hours all night long. I was twenty at the time and thought a good nights sleep was a God given right. But as time went on the baby slept longer and so did I.

And so this begins my story of the last twenty one years. Jordan is a grown up and in her third year of College. Five other children have been added to our family each as spectacular and precious as the first. I have come to know first hand what being a mother is and I can say without hesitation that it is what I was put on this earth to do. It is the hardest job you will ever love. It is sorrow and pain, laughter and joy. It is my life and this is my attempt to share it.